Whoa... it's really hard to know enough about yourself to be the safest person you can possibly be to have sex with.

I think about this often. To be the safest version of yourself you need to know so much about everything going on with you. You need to know: what you want; how you want it; how much experience with that you have; what you need to feel safe; what you're able to give for someone else to feel safe; your sti status; your emotional, mental, and physical health status and concerns; and... well, a whole lot more. THEN you need to learn these things about the person/s you're going to have sex with! (When I say "sex" I also mean kink. I could say both each time, but that's really clunky and I don't really want that. Plus, then I'd wander into the territory of defining what those terms mean, which is which and when... its a whole thing. I'm gonna hope you know what I mean) 

The point is, all of the models I can find so far for how to go about performing kink and sex (see what I mean?) give these long lists of what you need to know, and they're all a lot. There's a damn good reason for that, though. It's really important to be safe about these things! People can get hurt. Lives can be changed. Communities can be divided. I've seen all these things happen!

I've also seen people do all of that, every step the R.A.C.K. or S.S.C. or C.C.C.C. or P.R.I.C.K. would tell you to do, and still people end up feeling hurt, or betrayed, or unheard, or any number of bad things. And thats not because the models are bad. Not necessarily. Its because each of those are trying to prevent something that might just be impossible to prevent... miscommunication. 

I'm going to tangent now. Please, bear with me... Bare with me? (No, thats something else entirely. Whoops!)

I don't know about you, but I read a lot of romance novels. I also watch a lot of romance movies, shows, anime. Alllllllll of them. Literally all of them. Like, every single one. They all rely on the same thing for their conflict... failing communication. 

It doesnt always look the same, but it is always a miscommunication, a fear of communicating fully, self-doubt causing someone not to share, OR someone just not knowing a thing they should have shared before it became brutally obvious that they should have shared it and now they have to apologize for not sharing it. I'm sure there's more. I cannot possibly remember all of them, but I know they're all based on failed communication. 

Before you comment that that's just movies and books, let me say this. I have also studied psychology - relationship psychology specifically. In studying that, I learned the same stuff. It always comes down to a situation where if everyone was able to communicate fully the conflict could have been avoided or handled gracefully. 

Now, why that tangent? Well, its all to say that it is exceptionally difficult to communicate fully, openly, comprehensively, or with and in all the ways you might need to in order to be the safest version of yourself for sex and kink.

So, what's the point of all this?

Well, to say that I have a suggestion for you. Do all of those things. Do them all. Commit all the time and energy you can to learning all the things about yourself that those systems recommend. (And each of you is going to have a very different amount you can give because we all know the systems we exist in are going to keep making it more and more difficult for us to spare anything. And I'm saying that as a white person with the fortune of a strong support system. I can only begin to imagine what that looks like for those of you whom these systems weren't designed to benefit! Or, WERE designed to keep down!) Do what you can with all of that, but definitely give this a try...

Talk about what it will look like when things go wrong.

Inevitably, there will come a time when a safe word isn't heard, when a person can't bring themself to stop the scene, when someone doesn't realize in the moment that things are going farther than they expected and they cannot find the words to stop it, when someone misses their intended target with a well meaning swing, when someone forgets something that's really important, and so on.

Talk about what to expect when something goes wrong.

It'll look different for everyone. For me, I ask that someone share with me what they're feeling as soon as they can. I ask that they trust me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt. I ask that they only engage with me if they can assume good intention. I ask that they commit to having the difficult conversations that could come out of our time together.

What your person needs might look different. But make a plan together. Let that plan carry you into sex with a confidence that you will be able to continue communicating if something goes wrong. This way, when the complications of communication rear their tragic head, you can hope for a chance to repair those mistakes together.

Welcome to the BRAND NEW blog section of the website!

This is where I, Lady Phoenyx, will share my musings, thoughts, ideas, and adventures with all of you! 

Check back in from time to time to see what's up.

Leave a comment. Share your thoughts. Get into the conversation!

Just remember to keep things respectful, and not to talk about anything illegal here - please.

Talk soon! In the meantime, enjoy yourselves